saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
the point i decided it was time to leave was when i was on the floor of the bar, after taking her down with me, and a table.
Everything that you guys said happened came back to me. like a tidal wave of regret.
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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