So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
So recap time do u remember biting that girls hand?
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
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