dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
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