Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
I cannot find my penis.
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
now i know why i became what i already was.
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
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