i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
There will be bowls smoken and not a single fuck will be given.
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