I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
hot pretzels for dinner, snacks, and now breakfast...oh to be a poor college student...everyday is like a carnival.
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
