My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
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