I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
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