M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
its like national bring your ginger to the pool day or something
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
Randomize
