Yeah, i think she was German or something.
No dude, she's just got a speech impediment.
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
haha it staarrted out with just getting drunk then it turned into sports authority. So now im 4th or 5th in line and shit faced. Help me
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
Randomize
