I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
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