whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
i googled "the goonies drinking game." i may be alone, but i'm living the college dream.
Saturday morning. Went into a study room excited b/c some1 had left a paper w/ an inspirational quote: YOU ARE cApable of aChieving anything yoU waNT. Then I read the bold letters.....
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
Randomize
