this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
why dont you just whore around college until someone loves you...thats how it works for girls isnt it?
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
Randomize
