somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
of fours songebofy did dknt stop believing
how legible are my texts
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
