i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
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