i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her.
That was definitely the right answer.
It's confirmed. We did xmas carol the grocery store across the street from his building at 2:30am... Only the staff was there.
I have to think about this realistically and not with my vagina.
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
jump out the window naked night went bad
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
