I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
We've got 2 weeks of college left-I want to feel like Gary Busey by graduation.
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
They're fighting and it sounds intense. Cross your fingers for their demise
Toss in some raw meat and play heavy metal music. It will insight violence.
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Randomize
