In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
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