I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
She's helping me study for the final by writing the vocab words all over her body.
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
Randomize
