your parents love me but you hate me
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
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