insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
I totally OverDed on K2 last night. I felt like I was made of lead and then I had a panic attack.
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
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