I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
Randomize
