DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
yeah well, its not like my astrogynecology class is teaching me what i need to know
im almost 90% sure there is no such thing as astrogynecology.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
Please call us Steph is okay but missing phone wallet tooth
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
my god I love twenty year old dicks
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