roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
Randomize