Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
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