Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
this party is nice, but i have to go home and cry over anime in order to fill my daily quota of suffering
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
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