Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
Youre saying I should leave him? Have you seen the dating pool these days? It's terrifying, and in the capital region it's straight Norman Bates
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
Randomize
