I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
Friend date it is then. Question: Can friends engage in sexual activities after dates?
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
You have better ratings than Crest. Only 4/5 dentists recommend it. You have 8/9 recommendation for your blowjob skills.
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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