he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
He's a Shit stain on my heart
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
