I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
