Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
We made a blanket fort in my dorm room and fucked in it. Twice. I'm in love.
Randomize
