Can i come over
After you called me a desperate slut? No
Come over
Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
and I was crying with the towel lady in the bathroom of the bar about the tragedy in Haiti. Then we hugged before I left and I gave her 10 dollars.
if he wont fuck me on the stairamster then i dont think theres much XXX shit going down
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
Idk my boobs are big but i dont think theyre hide a flask in them big..
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
Randomize
