you're like a bully in the Christmas story
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
I'm sure I'll run in to him again, there's only so many VA detoxes.
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
Randomize
