I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
Can you send me a pic of you vag, I'm sexting the guy and he wants a pic but I didnt shave
dude are you serious?
I know you already have a pic on your phone
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
I'm at about main and main street
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
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