By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
