You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
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