I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
I really wanna talk..
if by talk you mean have nasty makeup sex involving marshmellow fluff.. I'm down
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
Am I the only one who finds it completely appropriate to pre-game our Brazilians?
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
Randomize
