thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
Randomize
