I really wanna talk..
if by talk you mean have nasty makeup sex involving marshmellow fluff.. I'm down
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
There's a naked man in my car right now.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
Randomize
