after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
champagne bombs. Yes, i think that is where things may have gotten out of control.
we were holding hands throwing up into the same garbage can; if thats not true love i dont know what is .
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
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