Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
We had to be out of the dorms at 730. Meeting started at 8. I woke up at 948. Drunk and covered in glitter.
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
The nausea has returned and I can't handle such things to exit my body so violently
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
Just opened my sisters laptop to "cute places to lose my virginity" googled last
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Randomize
