No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
Randomize
