I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
I have no idea how but i got a hold of a blue food dye packet. And proceeded to rub it all over my tits. So yeah i'd say its safe to say i'll be known as smurfette for a while
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize
