i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
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