We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
is it cool if i crash at ur house this weekend again bro
yea dude but i wld bring a sleeping bag or something just in case. or u may just have to shack up with a woman or 2 cuz we hav 10 girls visiting/staying over at my house.
how did u manage to make sleeping with a bunch of girls sound like an inconvenience?
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Randomize
