it was worse than that time i tried giving evan head 4 days post nose job.
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
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