Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
I don't get why Lindsay Lohan doesn't just blame her bad behavior on her twin sister from the Parent Trap. I mean nobodys seen her since.
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
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