the new term for farting is butt boxing.
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
