Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
dude relax anyone of us could have gotten that girl pregnant
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
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