I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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