God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
I think a kid would responsible me up
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
Randomize
