But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
Randomize
