im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
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