Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
just tried to puke while my RA was trying to puke in the stall next to me.bonded for life
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
Randomize
