she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
Yes. Ice cream tacos are an important aspect in the bridge of friendship
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
Randomize
