I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
Yes. Hungover. All the boys are going wakeboarding. Boys only. I wish I was a gay guy so I could go wakeboarding but still suck dick.
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
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